I Keep Looking For Her

[Documentary]

I Keep Looking For Her documents my father's grief in the days following the death of his long-term partner, and my Step-Mum, Paulene, who died suddenly of undiagnosed Bladder Cancer in October 2023.  

They were together for over 20 years and everyone knew them as a unit - Rudi and Paulene. Paulene, "Bubby",  was a vibrant woman who lit up every room she walked into. In the years preceding her death, she struggled with many health problems, including Bipolar disorder, Parkinson's Disease,  Breast Cancer, and multiple rounds of chemotherapy. Just weeks before her death, Dad and Paulene celebrated her remission from Breast Cancer; aside from Parkinson's Disease, she was only suffering from what her doctors believed to be a recurring UTI.  The tumultuous and often explosive relationship my siblings and I witnessed as children had transformed into something soft and tender. In their old age, they looked after each other through their respective health problems and daily life. 

My Father, in the aftermath of Paulene's death, was a man I had never met before - solemn, fragile, heartbroken; completely overcome and struck with grief.  In the days following her sudden death, it was as if he had aged a decade, the colour had left his face and it was almost as if he had shrunk. Their home, now dark and cold without Paulene, became a time capsule of their relationship. Everything was preserved exactly as it was a few days prior -  photos, letters on their joint calendar for upcoming medical appointments and events - the only thing missing was Paulene. 

As we sat in his kitchen going over the plans for the following day of her funeral, drinking coffee as we had done dozens of times before, he read out his hand-written eulogy to Paulene and her absence was a palpable presence in the room. After, we sat in silence, and all he could do was weep.  Before that day I had never seen my father cry; the man I had known to be stoic, withholding even, was now completely undone by his emotions. With tears streaming down his face, he repeated "I keep looking for her," touching her empty chair next to him. Where does the love and joy go when the container for it is gone?